


Richie and Eddie Annoying Each Other for 30 Minutes Straight

by SlitheredFromEden



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise, Bi Eddie Kaspbrak, F/M, Gay Richie Tozier, M/M, Sexual Humor, Strong Language, honestly fuck that clown, youtuber richie tozier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-02-13 06:43:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21490063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlitheredFromEden/pseuds/SlitheredFromEden
Summary: If you’re on tumblr you may have come across of the idea that Eddie and Richie are basically Jenna Marbles and Julien... so here’s a fic of me trying to do that concept justice.Richie starts a YouTube channel to help get more exposure on his comedy. Eddie thought it was a good idea until Richie started pointing the camera in his face.Richie's videos (so far)Chapter 1: MUKBANGChapter 2: Forcing My Boyfriend to Cook Me BreakfastChapter 3: Uncovering Sexy History w/a Sexy HistorianChapter 4: Being The Therapist My Subs Deserve for a $1Chapter 5: Assembling IKEA Furniture w/ my Boyfriend (but not really)
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Mike Hanlon, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Patricia Blum Uris/Stanley Uris
Comments: 39
Kudos: 256





	1. MUKBANG

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoy this just as much as I did writing it 😊

Richie set up his camera and ring lights in front of the small coffee table in the middle of the living room of his and Eddie’s shared apartment. He was planning on filming an Q&A with Eddie as soon as he got back from his boring adult job. It was time for the world to meet his Eddie. 

Richie knew Eddie wouldn’t be easily swayed to sit and be filmed, so he ordered an abundance amount of Thai food, that should be arriving shortly, as a bribe. His Eddie was a slut for Thai food. They might as well make this a Mukbang Q&A. Which would be great, because if Richie was good at anything it’s eating and talking. 

The food arrived right on time and Eddie a mere moments after that. Richie quickly grabbed his spare camera, pointing it at Eddie and started to record. Eddie stopped dead in his tracks and gave him a hard look. 

"Take that shit out of my face, Rich" Eddie snapped, then looked at the table set with all the food behind Richie. "What the fuck are you planning?"

"A Mukbang, babe," Richie explained. "For a video,"

"A what?" 

"We eat and answer questions," 

"That’s so dumb," Eddie let out a short laugh. 

"I ordered Thai food... Your favorite," Richie wiggled his brows.

Eddie looked from Richie to the table and back again. "Okay, only because I’m fucking starving,"

"Eddie," Richie mock gasped from behind the camera. "There might be kids watching!"

"You’re a 28 year old man, why would kids choose to watch you?" Richie's camera followed Eddie as he dropped his bag onto the nearest couch, and walked over to the coffee table. "I’m sure your demographic are mostly middle aged women and hung over college students who use your voice to lull them to sleep,"

"Ha ha very funny, Eds,"

"Don't fucking call me that, dicknose," Eddie hissed out, loosening his tie.

Richie took this opportunity to zoom into Eddie's hands, "Work that piece of fabric, baby! Show the middle aged women and alcoholic young adults what those hands can do,"

"I'll leave you," Eddie threatened right into the camera. "I'll take the dog and leave,"

"I won't allow it, you're stuck with me forever,"

Eddie mimed hanging himself with his tie. Richie reached over and yanked the tie away from his boyfriend, "Nope, it wont be that easy,"

"Well fuck," 

Richie turned off the camera he was holding and turned on the one facing them. He took his place beside his boyfriend. "I’m Richie Tozier and welcome back to my channel, and if you’re new.. what the fuck are you doing staring at me for? Subscribe, turn on my push notifications, and finger that like button!" 

"You can’t expect them to like your shit before viewing it," Eddie rolled his eyes. "That’s so manipulative,"

“Don’t question my authority over this channel,”

“Authority over my ass,” 

“Over your ass indeed,” Richie leaned in and pressed a kiss onto Eddie’s lips.

"So," Richie turned to the camera. “No, you’re not having a stroke that’s inducing a gay fantasy starring myself and this fine specimen. Eddie, here, is my boyfriend. Say hi, Eddie,”

Eddie waved awkwardly at the camera, “Hey,”

"A lot of you have seen him in the background of some videos and were asking who he was," Richie continued. "And I can’t believe none of you guessed he’s my boyfriend. There’s no place for heteronormativity in my comments. I’m disowning you all as my children." 

Eddie chuckled, "You’re being too harsh on them,"

“They need to redeem themselves. I’m demanding gay pride flags from everyone. My PO Box is gunna be in the description,"

"You’re not filling our apartment with pride flags, Richie," 

"My own boyfriend is a homophobe," Richie wailed, draping himself over Eddie applying all of his weight. "The horror! The horror!"

"Cut the shit, Rich, get off of me," Eddie shoved the other man off of him. 

"Oh, I get it," Richie grinned. "You want some flags of your own,"

"No, Richard, I don’t-"

"Hey, guys send over some bi flags for Eds," Richie pinched Eddie’s cheeks. "My baby likes to feel included,"

"Don’t call me Eds," Eddie, slapped at his boyfriend’s hands. Then snapped his attention at the camera. "Don’t send us any flags. Don’t send anybody any flags-"

"It’s too late, babe," Richie smirked. "I can hear those flags being shipped already," 

"Just start the video, Rich," the shorter man threw his hands up in defeat. 

"Okay, as you can tell, we have a bunch of food along with the questions that were submitted to me via Twitter @Dr.RichieTozier,” Richie held up a bowl of strips of paper. “So we are going to answer them,”

Eddie took the bowl and looked through the questions. “These aren’t half bad,” 

“Wow! A roaring review on your questions by Edward Kaspbrak,” Richie dramatically applauded. “Moving forward, on this very channel, we will not accept anything nothing short of ‘half bad,’"

"Shut up," Eddie shot out. "How are we gunna do this?"

"Eat and answer questions," Richie answered. "Excuse my man, he’s secretly a forty year old man who never watched a single YouTube video in his life. Ever." 

"Fuck off!" 

“Eddie, language!” Richie mock gasped. "Are you trying to get me demonetized? I need the cash to pay our rent," 

“The like hell you do,” Eddie crosses his arms over his chest. 

“As much as I value our banter,” Richie pinched Eddie’s cheek. “We need to get the video going,” 

“There’s no way I’m going to eat and answer questions at the same time. That’s so messy, I’ll read the questions and you answer since they’re all directed at you,” Eddie said shuffling through the strips of paper. 

“Alrighty, shoot,” Richie leaned back into his end of the couch with a plate of Shrimp Pad Thai. 

“Dante King on Twitter asks: ‘why do you dress like a man going through his third divorce?’ I’m curious, too.”

“It’s called style, Dante! Look it up!” Richie answers with a mouth full of food. 

“For fucks sake, swallow!” Eddie sneered. 

"Oh for you? Every. Single. Time," he threw a wink.

"And I’m the one demonetizing your videos?" Eddie crumpled the first paper and threw it at the man across of him. "Next one. Jess Wonder on Twitter asks: ‘why is your handle @Dr.RichTozier? Are you even a doctor?’ You’ve never told your audience you’re an actual doctor?"

"Because I have the college dropout persona working out for me," Richie shrugged. 

"Bullshit, babe, I bet you never told them because you keep downplaying your achievements,"

"I do not,"

Eddie faced the camera, "This bastard is a whole medical doctor. He graduated Med school years ago," 

"Fuck, Eddie, you’re making me sound old," Richie pouted. “It was only two years ago," 

"I’m making you sound like an accomplished adult," Eddie crumpled up the paper and tossed at Richie, who caught it this time around.

"So to answer your question, Jess," Richie took another bite of his food. "I’m an actual doctor," 

"Next question is from Domino: `Would you rather lose all your senses or have extremely heightened senses?’ I think I know your answer,"

"I’d have to go with with heightened senses," Richie answered shortly. "Imagine getting your dick sucked and feeling ten times the pleasure?" 

"You can’t say shit like that online, dipshit!" Eddie kicked at him. 

"Im the most qualified person to talk about sex since you just exposed my identity as a doctor," Richie argued. "I’m technically certified."

"I’m so close to leaving for good with Pixie," Eddie warned. "So damn close," 

"Read the next question, babe," Richie blew him a kiss. 

Eddie sighed, "This is from Miss Daphne Purple: `Can you tell us another story about your old retail job? Or another one from your childhood?’ I can answer that with the time Richie and our other friend Stan accidentally fought an old woman in the middle of a supermarket in our home town,"

Richie laughed, "If Stan finds out you told this online his gunna freak,"

"I'm sure he doesn't watch your stuff," Eddie said dismissively. "So, Richie and Stan both worked in a grocery store the summer of sophomore year of high school. It was a small place and it barely brought in any customers.. Usually their boss would leave hours at a time. So one day when their boss isn't there, this old woman comes in asking for seasoned apples-"

"SEASONED FUCKING APPLES!" Richie shouted. "This still gets me heated."

"So, she walks over to Richie and asks him for the seasoned apples in which he asks he to repeat herself and she does-"

"I remember looking over to our friend Stan, who was lowering his book to send this woman a death glare to end all death glares," Richie added. "Because that fucker was reading about birds and nothing gets between him and his birds,"

"You gunna keep interrupting me, dumbass?"

"Well, hurry and get to the best part,"

"Stan looks at her and tells the woman they don't have any, naturally, she doesn't take it well. She demands for for the manager, and Stan demands for her to leave. Then this old crow, I shit you not, leans over and grabs his book. Then an impromptu tag of war ensues." Eddie laughs into the camera. 

"This old woman wouldn’t let go," Richie continued. "So, I acted out and slapped the book out of their hands. Both of them go crashing onto the floor sporting matching nosebleeds." 

"To make a long story short, she left and starting spreading a rumor around our small town that 'the Jew boy punched her.' There was an investigation and it turned out she was a nazi. Old bitch really was a nazi," 

"We unknowingly went face to face with a nazi and came out on top," Richie grinned with pride. 

"Fuck yeah you did, babe!" Eddie cheered. "I’m so proud of you,"

"We should have Stan come on here and recount the events from his perspective." Richie spoke directly at the camera. "Sound off in the comments below if you want to see that as a future video," 

"You know what? If Stan makes a video with you, I’ll spend an entire day doing whatever the fuck you want,"

"I have this on Camera, babe, there’s no going back,"

"As if Stan will ever be in one of your vids," Eddie.

"We’ll see," 

Eddie, now with a plate of spring rolls in his lap, picks up another question. "Emmy wants to know 'why do you think pineapple on pizza is okay?' I’ll tell you why, Emmy, because it’s good as hell. Don’t come after Richie’s refined taste in pizza toppings,"

"You’re so hot when you’re defending me, man," Richie fanned himself dramatically. 

"Next question," Eddie said between bites of his spring roll. "Okay Flamin’ Mustard says 'I wanna see your dog please!" 

"Not a question, but I’ll allow it," Richie whistled and almost immediately the sound of excited paws sounded off camera. As soon their baby came within arms reach Richie grabbed her. "Pixie, say hi to YouTube," 

Pixie barked happily. 

"Pixie is a two year old Pomeranian Eddie and I rescued about seven months ago," 

"Rich, totally cried," 

"Fuck you, man, it was an emotional day. Wasn’t it, Pixie?" Richie held Pixie up to his face, and she gladly licked it. "Eddie, check if there’s another question about Pixie we can answer while she still wants to be held," 

Eddie shuffled for a few moments, "Here’s one; Destiny Styles asks 'Can you give your dog a makeover?" 

"Can we? Of course we can!" Richie handed off Pixie to Eddie, picking up his hand held camera. "I’ll show you guys her closet while we’re at it,"

Eddie with Pixie in his arms lead the way into their bedroom. As they neared her closet, Pixie started barking excitedly. 

"Our baby girl loves her stuff," Richie cooed. "Okay, Eddie, give us a closet tour,"

Eddie put down Pixie and walked over to the small dresser, "This is her custom dresser made by our friend Ben."

Richie faced the camera towards himself, "It was a gift from her welcome to the family party. Yes, we’re that gay," 

Camera is now back on Eddie placing a bright blue bow on Pixie’s little head, "She has these hair clips to keep her fur out of her eyes,"

"Put her into the socks Bev made for her," Richie suggested. 

Eddie pulled open the drawer and pulled out four perfectly round frilly socks, "Aren’t these the fucking cutest? Bev is so good at making shit,"

"Where would we be without Ben and Bev? What a power couple," 

"What are we?" 

"We’re the sexy couple," 

"Fuck yeah we are!" Eddie smiled brightly into the camera. 

"Put those socks on her so I can take a few glamour shots of Pixie in them. 

That’s what they ended up doing for the next hour; walking Pixie around the apartment taking shots of her tiny paws prancing around in her socks and arguing about which angles had the most natural lighting After Richie was satisfied with the amount of footage he collected, he and Eddie sat down to conclude the video. 

"Alrighty guys, I hope you enjoyed this wholesome content I churned out for you guys this week. I had a lot of fun today, what about you Eddie?"

"Surprisingly, I enjoyed myself," 

"That’s what I wanna here! That’s all for now, sleep tight and don’t let the sleep paralysis demons bite! I’ll see you in the next video! Subscribe!" 


	2. Forcing My Boyfriend to Cook Me Breakfast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your love on the first chapter!!!!  
I hope you enjoy this one 😊

The camera was placed in front of the kitchen, island facing the stove and sink. Eddie was sitting to the side at their small breakfast table sipping on his morning coffee. 

"Howdy ya'll! Welcome back to a brand-new video! Remember to bitch slap that like button and subscribe if you’re new!" Richie said in a heavy southern accent, tipping an imaginary Stetson. Then, back to his normal voice, "It's currently 7:45 am on a Saturday morning. Since my last video with Eds-"

"Don't call me that," Eddie interjected halfheartedly. 

"Since my last video with Spag-Eddie," Richie corrected himself dropping the accent, "a lot of you requested we'd do more videos together. So you ask and I deliver, my friends. Today, I'm forcing him to cook me breakfast on his day off because he's such a good boyfriend," 

Eddie flipped him off in response. 

"The camera caught that!" Richie laughed. "Anyway, Spag-Eddie will be spoiling me rotten and you guys have the privilege of watching it happen. 

"You're so fucking lucky I love you," Eddie grumbled into his mug.

"Aw, did you guys hear that?" Richie directed at the camera. "My Eduardo said he loves me,"

"Keep up those nicknames and I'll poison your breakfast," Eddie sneered. 

"You’re so cute when you threaten me with diarrhea," Richie moaned obnoxiously. "It really makes my nipples hard," 

"Richie," Eddie rolled his eyes. "It's too early for this,"

"It's never too early in Richie’s Kitchen," the taller man spoke directly into the camera smugly. "The place where every-fucking-thing goes wrong."

"It's Kaspbrak Kitchen now, bitch," Eddie rolled up the kitchen had towel and whipped it against his boyfriend's ass. "I'm in charge now,"

"Chef Spag-Eddie, everyone! We finally have an overachiever on our side so we’ll can score one successful kitchen experience to put in our history books," Richie applauded as Eddie put on an apron. 

"How about you go harass Stan on FaceTime, babe. I bet he's awake," Eddie patted the taller man's chest. "Let me work in silence,"

"No silence, my viewers need that quality content," Richie pointed at Eddie. "Talk to them, be nice,"

"I'm always nice,"

"You cursed out the man who dissed my Space Jam t-shirt at the Farmers Market yesterday,"

"He fucking called your favorite shirt tattered," Eddie snapped. "It's acid washed! It's meant to look like that!"

"You're so fucking hot when you're angry," 

"Go bother Stan," Eddie pushed him out of the camera frame.

"I'll be back to check up on you," Richie blew him a kiss and walked out of the kitchen.

"This is what you guys to do him," Eddie glanced up at the camera before turning to the fridge. "Make him act like a god damned fool, well, more than he already does," 

He placed a carton of eggs, milk, bread, pancake mix, bacon, and the waffle iron on the countertop. 

"But you want to know something funny?" Eddie laughed to himself as he poured the pancake mix into a bowl. "That our friend Stan is going to roast the shit out of Richie for calling him so early. Not because of the time, but he has a strict No-Richie's-Annoying-Voice-Before-Noon rule that he's been pushing since we were fifteen."

Eddie carefully added the suggested amount of water and eggs, "I would never eat this powdered mix bullshit, but it's Richie favorite,"

Just as he began to stir, his phone went off. "Stan's calling, I guess he had enough of Richie already. I should put him on speaker for that quality content Richie keep preaching about. Good morning, Stan,"

"I'll kill Richie. I'll really kill him," Stan hissed through the phone.

"What did he do?"

"What didn't he do? Why is he calling me so early? Why are you awake?"

"He's making me record a video with him-"

"You recording now?"

"Yes...." Eddie's voice trailed off, unsure of which direction this conversation is going.

"Lemme say something to his audience. Richie Tozier is a bullshit man with nothing but too much time on his hands, and brings shame to his medical degree.

"Awww Staniel, you love me," Richie walked into the kitchen with Pixie in his arms. “Admit it,”

"Fuck off, Rich,"

"You're just mad me and Patty can comfortably talk about adult things without losing our shit," Richie laughed into the phone obviously.

"What did you say to Patty?" Eddie looked over to Richie with suspicion. 

"You know, she asked me about the possibility of her being pregnant because her period is two weeks late,"

"Stan!" Eddie gasped, scandalized. "You got a girl pregnant before marriage? You might as well hand over your kippah to the nearest synagogue,"

"Gotta be honest, Stan, didn't think your dick worked like that," Richie said, adding fuel to the ever-growing fire that was Stanley Uris. 

"Oh, it works plenty," Stan's girlfriend Patty purred in to the phone. "I might be carrying the baby to prove it,"

"Oooh, we dibs being the godparents!" Richie exclaimed. 

"We'd be the fucking best," Eddie agreed.

"It's all yours," Patty laughed. "Maybe you can name them while you're at it,"

"Pixie 2!" Richie suggested. "I wanna be the godfather of Pixie 2 Uris,"

"I don't know Rich, our Pixie might get confused if we have Pixie 2," Eddie shook his head. "We'll name the baby Urie Uris,"

“As long as their middle name is Uriah, so we can call them UUU or Tipple U or U cubed,” Richie grinned.

"I like Urie Uriah Uris," Patty said into the phone.

"Baby, please don't encourage them," Stan pleaded. "You're better than that,"

"It’s really funny that you actually believe that,” Patty laughed.

“I think this channel might be the worst thing Richie has ever done,” Stan grumbled.

“You hear that guys,” Richie directed at the camera. “Stan is a real-life bully,”

"I don't think your channel is terrible!" Patty shouted in the phone. "I love the channel, Richie! Have me on. I can do a Storytime or renovate your kitchen!"

"Better yet," Richie chuckled. "We can do both simultaneously. I'll have you on after I get Mikey on here,"

"Looking forward to it,"

"Bye assholes," Stan grumbled then hung up. 

Richie put Pixie on the island, "I have an idea! Let's take ingredient suggestions from our friends!"

"You didn't wake me up just to allow our friends control what I cook," Eddie voice trailed off, then his eyes gleamed with mischief. "You know what? You're eating it, so do it. Call Bev first,"

Richie pulled out his phone and pulled up her number, "I'm putting her on speaker,"

It rang twice and then she picked up, ".... hello?"

"Quick, Bev, what should we add to my waffle mix?" Richie asked.

"Make it gross," Eddie added. 

"Cinnamon," she immediately replied. "Three spoons full."

"Fuck," Richie gagged.

"Ask Ben," Eddie laughed. 

"Ben says sour cream," Beverly reported back after a moment. "Half a tub. Have fun, bye guys, I’m going back to bed,"

"This is the worst idea I've ever had," Richie cried out as Eddie pulled out the cinnamon and sour cream.

"I actually think this is the best idea you've ever had, babe," Eddie pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Can't wait for you to eat all this shit. Call Bill and Mike,"

The phone didn't even get to ring, Mike answered, "Hey, Rich,"

"Quick, Mikey, what should I add to my waffle mix?"

"Salt," Mike laughed. "You need that sodium, Rich,"

"Heya, guys," Bill's voice came through the phone. 

"Bill, what should we add to Richie's waffle mix?" Eddie asked. "Get creative,"

"Pixie's duh-doggie treats," Bill supplied with a soft chuckle. 

"You guys are fucking monsters," Richie spat. "Bye, fuckers,"

"Bye!" 

Richie scratched Pixie's chin, "Daddy is going to be eating your treats. Hopefully you don't mind,"

Pixie barked happily. 

"Put her on the floor," Eddie told his boyfriend. "We don't need her fur in the food,"

"Her fur is the least of my problems," Richie said, eyeing all of the ingredients his so-called friends suggested sitting right in front of Eddie. 

Eddie grinned at the camera as he added the additional items into the mix and stirred them into the batter. "This is going to be so good for you, Richie,"

"Eddie, lemme help," Richie whined. "I can put the batter into the waffle iron," 

"As long as you only put the mix into the waffle maker and nothing else," Eddie eyed him. 

"Scout's honor," Richie raised his right hand solemnly,

"Put your fucking hand down, you were never a boy scout," Eddie scoffed. 

Richie plugged in the waffle maker and grabbed the bowl of mix from his boyfriend, "This is my favorite part,"

"Just don't fuck it up," Eddie rolled his eyes. “I’ll end you,”

“You promise?” Richie’s eyes lit up.

“Fuck off,”

“Baby don’t play my emotions like this,” Richie looked right into the camera. “My Eds loves to tease me and I don’t think I can handle it anymore,”

Eddie cracked the eggs and poured them into the frying pan and placed a few strips of bacon on a skillet.

“Gordon Ramsey who? We don’t know her,” Richie pressed a kiss to Eddie’s temple.

“We’re almost done,” Eddie sighed with relief.

“How about we read my DMs while we wait for the waffles to get read?” Richie opened his phone to twitter. “This one says, and I’m not reading usernames, ‘Fuck me with those hands pretty please’ like damn where are your parents?”

Eddie took his phone, “I wanna read one, ‘Where’s the sex tape, man? I’d pay to see it.’ I hope you guys aren’t children. I really do,”

“Read another one, babe,”

“okay, ‘I had a dream that you spat in my mouth’ what the actual fuck? Ew,” Eddie gagged as he returned his boyfriend’s phone.

“No one can say I don’t have the best audience on YouTube,” Richie laughed. “I’ll do one last one, ‘What’s Eddie’s @ ? Lemme jump those bones.’ Ha! I’ll never expose that my boyfriend’s Twitter handle is @Edward_Kaspbrak_ and that his Instagram handle is @EddieKaspbrak_. I’d never do that, that would be so low of me,”

“I’m cheating on you with the first of age person that messages me on either of those accounts,” Eddie warned. “And I’ll move in with them and live happily ever after with Pixie in our Penthouse in New York,”

“They’ll have a penthouse?”

“I’ll aim higher this time around,” Eddie smirked. “No more settling for just okay,”

“Ouch,” Richie gripped his heat over his chest. “My baby just fucking torched me,”

“I think the waffles are ready,”

Richie propped out the waffle and placed into a plate and add more mix into the waffle iron to make another one.

“You’re really making another one?”

“I never do anything half assed,” Richie declared. “This channel deserves the best of the best,”

“Well since your eggs and bacon are done, all we have to do is wait for your second waffle,” Eddie told him.

“We should play a game while we wait for the last piece of this delicious breakfast,” Richie clapped his hands together.

“Or you can do the dishes?” Eddie suggested.

“Nah, I like my idea better,” Richie put his fingers and whistled, Pixie came running over to the kitchen. “Let’s play Who Does Pixie Like Better? A game I know I’ll win,”

“You fucking wish,”

“If I win, I get hang up all the gay flags I received in the mail wherever I want,” Richie told him. “And if you win….”

“If I win, I’m throwing all of the flags into a storage unit,” Eddie threatened.

“Eddie Kaspbrak: The Homophobic Chronicles Continues!”

“Fuck you,”

Richie adjusted the camera, so it has a clear view of the floor, and put Pixie in the middle of them.

“C’mere, Pixie,” Richie called out to her. “Come to Daddy,”

“No, princess come to your real Daddy,” Eddie called out louder.

Pixie looked between them and then ran out of the kitchen, Richie and Eddie shared a look.

“I guess we both lose,” Richie shrugged.

“It’s a draw, until next time because I will get rid of those flags,”

“Will your homophobia ever see an end?” Richie dramatically cried out.

“Shut up and take out that waffle before it burns down my kitchen,”

With the camera back where it originally was, Richie placed the second waffle into the plate and Eddie added the eggs and bacon to the plate.

“Yum, it looks delicious thanks Eds,”

“Save that comment until after the first bite,” Eddie laughed.

Richie showered his waffles in syrup and topped with whipped cream, “Do want to share with me, Eds?”

“Fuck, no,” Eddie eyes the plate like it was about to ruin his credit score. “It’s all yours, dude,”

Richie cut into it and took a big bit and immediately spitting it out right back onto the plate, “Fuck no,”

“Fuck, yes,” Eddie picked up his fork and filled it with food. “Open up,”

Reluctantly, Richie did and began to chew on his breakfast.

“Make sure to swallow,”

Richie took a few more painful bites and eventually swallowed, “That shit was fucking disgusting. I hope all of my former friends know that I hate them,”

“You love me, right?” Eddie batted his eyelashes at him.

“Yes, I can never hate you,”

Richie leaned in for a kiss and Eddie stopped him, “Nope, not after you ate that shit,”

With an exaggerated whine, Richie faced the camera, “That’s all for this video. Goodnight and don’t let the depression bite. I’ll see you all again in the next one, goodbye! Say goodbye, Eddie,”

“Goodbye,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!


	3. Uncovering Sexy History w/ a Sexy Historian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this? A third chapter? So soon?  
Enjoy!  
*********HEAVILY INSPIRED BY BUZFEED'S RUINING HISTORY********  
Just a small warning this contains mature content

Richie set up his camera in Mike's library room and sat on the beanbag a few feet away from it. 

"Hey guys! Welcome back to a brand-new video!" Richie greeted with fist pump. "As you can tell, I am not in my usual setting space, I'm at my friend Mike's place. Fear not, my godless children, I’m not kidnapped. You are in for a treat because this is going to be a good one. So don't forget to tenderly kiss that like button and subscribe if you're new! Everyone welcome Mike Hanlon!"

Mike walked over and occupied the empty beanbag to Richie's right, "Hey, thanks for having me on,"

"Thanks for agreeing,"

"I can never say no to you, Richie," Mike laughed wholeheartedly. 

"Mikey, I've dying to have you on and share the secrets of the past," Richie looked over to him, then to the camera. "Mike is finally going to put all of his education to use, and I'm glad to take part in. Or better, being the cause of his education being put to use,"

"Gee thanks, Rich,"

"Was it me who retired after being a university professor after two years of teaching?" 

"It wasn't a good fit," Mike shrugged sheepishly. 

"You can only say that because you live with Sugar Daddy Denbrough," Richie snickered. 

"Shut up before he hears you," Mike shoved him playfully.

"He'd love the name," Richie countered. "So, back to learning about the sex life of a historical figure coming straight from a person who paid college to learn about stuff nobody cares about-"

"Or let's talk about an idiot who went to medical school for no reason," Mike suggested with a mocking smile.

"Hey if I wanted to be treated like shit I would've vlogged Eddie and I going grocery shopping," Richie pouted at the camera. "Mike, please teach us about the secret sex life of Benjamin Franklin, yes you heard me right! Mr. Hundred Dollar Bill was a nasty motherfucker,"

"Before, during, and after the American Revolutionary War Benjamin Franklin spent a lot time in France as a diplomat." Mike began reading off of his laptop. "Paris, at this time, was considered one of the most cosmopolitan cities in history. It was a prosperous time, and filled with enlightenment that it allowed the upper class to get a little wild," 

"Wild sex parties? Please tell there are wild sex parties," Richie urged.

"I'm getting there," Mike continued, "To help you understand how Benjamin Franklin's life in Paris was, I'll be sharing what Franklin described, to his friends in a letter, as Air Baths-"

"Holy fucking shit!" Richie practically jumped out of the beanbag. "Air baths? Mr. Kite and Key was lounging around dick and ass out calling it an Air Bath?"

"Basically, yeah," Mike laughed at his friend's excitement. "Franklin wrote, 'I rise every morning and sit in my chamber without any clothes whatever, half an hour or an hour, according to the season, either reading or writing. The practice is not in the least bit painful, but on the contrary, agreeable.'"

"He sounds like every English Major I've come across of in college,"

"Bill was an English Major..."

"You trying to share something about your husband, Mikey?"

"Richie," Mike sighed painfully. 

"Continue please," Richie readjusted himself on his seat. 

"Franklin spent most nights being invited to late night parties in the upper-class society. His status as an American made him extremely popular with the woman,"

"Being an American made you popular?" Richie scrunched up his nose. "Went to London for an internship, and people who gag when they heard me speak,"

"Are you sure it was your accent and not anything else?"

"Mike!" he gasped with surprise. 

"There have been accounts that said hundreds of woman would line up just to kiss him," 

"Yeah like girls were lining up to kiss me in my youth," Richie cackled. "There's no way that happened. He was so old and gross. It'll be like kissing a ball-sack on the lips. Were the French Ladies of History into kissing ball-sacks on the lips?"

"If they were kissing Franklin, maybe," Mike shrugged. "His home life was also very erotic. When famous painter Charles Wilson Peale visited unexpectedly, he saw Franklin with a young woman on his lap-"

"Fucking peeping Tom,"

"It is also believed that this sketch is meant to depict the two," Mike passed off his laptop over to Richie.

"I'll put this up on the screen when I edit," Richie was grinning uncontrollably. "I'll describe it, it look looks like a girl in a dress that weighs twice her weight is sitting on Santa Clause's lap if Santa Clause swapped outfits with a slave master back in the day,"

"That's surprisingly accurate," Mike mused.

"It's so fucking weird that this man showed up without an invitation and drew smutty fan art of his friend's hook up," Richie handed back the laptop. "It's like Bev coming over and sketching me and Eddie in her sketchpad where all her clothes ideas go. Plus, I don't think that girl wants to be known for that."

"I don't think anybody wants to be remembered like that," Mike agreed. "A lot of people believed that Franklin got with this many women just so they can speak highly of him to their policy making husbands for his case in American liberty, and other just believed his was a creep,"

"Okay, imagine Franklin coming up with his idea and running it by Washington." Richie cleared his throat, and said with a old colonial accent, "Listen here, George, I have a marvelous idea! I will go to France and seduce the wives of the policy making men and have them convince their husbands to hear to our plan for American liberty! It is a fool proof plan! I shall and must seduce every upper-class woman for the future of America! God bless America and this sacrifice I'm willing to make for it," 

"Author Albert Henry Smith wrote that Franklin's, and I quote, 'animal instincts and passions were strong and rank.'" 

"Ben, you sly horn dog," Richie laughed. "How did Albert Henry Smith know this though? Was it known that Franklin was a slut?"

"He was popular at those sex parties," 

"He sure was," 

"Now, I have to introduce Sir Francis Dashwood, because he gets pretty important-"

"Sir Francis Dashwood,” Richie repeated slowly. "Sounds sexy,"

"Hey, Rich?"

"Yeah, Mike?"

"He was, in fact, very sexy,"

"I KNEW IT! My gay senses are never wrong,"

“Dashwood was the only heir to of a wealthy merchant, and is described, by another author, as ‘an enormously rich man with a genius for obscenity.’”

“He was another horn dog,” Richie commented. “Why am I surprised?”

“Yeah, on his grand tour he basically had sex in every city across Europe,” Mike nodded. “He even is also known for seducing the Empress of Russia.”

“This man was living large—”

“He did it while impersonating Charles the 12th of Sweden.” Mike interrupted his friend. “A man who had been long since dead,”

“What a guy! He’s like a fugitive sex monster,” Richie laughed. “I’m into it,”

“Everyone,” Mike addressed the camera. “Send that bit to Eddie,”

“Nooooooo!!”

“Anyway, Sir Francis Dashwood, he wasn’t really a religious man or interested in whatever religion had to offer. He was more into what he referred to as ‘Sacred History.’ Which are the orgies of the Romans from back in the day. So he started a cult to honor this scared history called The Friars of St. Francis of Wycome or, as it was better known as, The Hellfire Club,”

“I can’t fucking believe this! This can’t be something that came out during that time. That totally sounds like an underground gay bar I’ve been to during college,”

“The Hellfire Club was meant to attract deprived rich men—”

“So, sexually repressed horn dogs?”

“Yes, Richie, sexually repressed horn dogs,” he let out a painful sigh. “This club become popular amongst the elite of Europe... Namingly, one Benjamin Franklin. Dashwood was close with Franklin and Franklin has been known to spend long periods of time at Dashwood’s estate. Franklin is believed to be a member. These members were big hoods and masks, in order to avoid husbands or wives,”

“It should’ve been a singles only party,” Richie added solemnly.

“Yeah, Rich, because the only issue here is that they’re married,” Mike narrowed his eyed his friend.

“Glad we’re on the same page,”

“The club was far out from the cities on a makeshift island, and Dashwood even decorated with the stain class windows of pictures of club members with women in indecent poses, he a large pornographic painting, and a library full of pornographic literature,”

“Patty could never as an interior designer,”

“I wouldn’t test that,” Mike laughed. “She’d probably expose Stan as she does, and he’ll be out for blood,”

“I would be worth it,” Richie hummed. “But what’s the point of the disguises if he was just going to plaster their faces to glass for all to see?”

“I don’t know…” Mike voice trailed off. “The club initiated with a toast, and moved further into the chapel part of the building where it was said they performed a ‘Black Mass.’ In which a woman a woman would lay naked on the alter and they would and the would start drinking sacrificial wine from her naval,”

“I know as a big gay, I should be like ‘ew hets’ but I’m digging the vibe,”

“There is so much that is wrong with you,”

“Nah, Eddie had me tested when we started dating,”

“That was almost ten years ago,” Mike remarked. “Go again.”

“Have you been drinking your disrespect Richie juice lately?” Richie pouted.

“Yeah, I got a restock from Eddie last weekend,”

“Carry on with the sex cult, please, I don’t want any attention anymore,”

“Not everyone was digging the vibe, as Richie put it,” Mike continued. “John Wilkes, for instance, was bored one day and dressed a baboon as a demon and hid in a chest. Then when the members called for Lord Satan to appear, Wilkse released the baboon and everyone lost their minds,”

“I like this guy,” Richie commented immediately. “He reminds me of me. Strong chaotic energy,”

“Usually after The Black Mass, they would go around and read pornographic literature,” Mike said. “I didn’t want to do this, but I brought a snippet of what they used to read because I’d knew you like it,”

“Mike, you shouldn’t have,” Richie gasped in surprise as he took the sheet of paper from Mike. “This will demonetize my video for sure, but we’ve _cum_ a long way. Get it? _Cum_.”

“Just read the paper,”

“There is between the thighs, just at the bottom of the belly,” Richie read aloud in a dramatic voice, “a piece of flesh… Underneath, hangs in a bag or purse, two little balls, pretty hard, and the harder the better. They call them stones, and in them is contained that white thick liquor…. Wait, that’s it? Where’s the rest?”

“I’m not giving you the rest,” argued Mike.

“That was fucking amazing, and I gotta say very descriptive,”

“Can I move on?” Mike didn’t wait for a reply. “After reading guests would pair off and you know the rest. With rapid popularity of the club, a book was released to the public of the Hellfire Club and people would started lining up watching as guests would enter.”

“All of Europe were really pro sex, huh? I mean I would do the same. Might try to sneak in to,”

“We all know you would, Richie,” Mike laughed. “But that book didn’t stop Dashwood, he gated his estate and created tunnels that lead a few miles away from their first location where they continued having their orgies. This new location and the fact that they only let in members further the argument that Franklin was a part of it. Franklin once wrote in a letter ‘The exquisite sense of classical design, charmingly reproduced at West Wycombe... is as evident below the earth as above it,’”

“That’s definitely about the caves,”

“I think so too,” Mike closed his laptop. “Do you have any last thoughts?”

"Say what you fuckers will about Franklin," Richie said mostly to the camera. "This man was an innovator and living the life we can only dream to live. That’s all I have for today’s video. I’d like to thank Mike again for agreeing on educating us,”

“It was fun,” Mike smiled.

“I’ll see you all in the next video! Sleep tight and don’t let the Ben Franklin bite! Goodbye!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading !!!  
Check out Buzfeed's Ruining History it's great!  
(yes this is actual history I didn't make it up lol)


	4. Being The Therapist My Subs Deserve for a $1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Implication of mature sexual content  
TW: Suicide mention

Richie adjusted his Looney Tunes print tie and Eddie’s navy-blue blazer that fit tightly over his old college t-shirt, “Hello one and all to our first group therapy session here on my YouTube channel! You know the drill, baby gays, press that like button and subscribe if you're new!”

“So, that’s what you’re doing wearing my blazer? Pretending to be a therapist for your viewers?” Eddie took his seat beside Richie, setting his coffee down. 

"Duh, babe," Richie picked up a spare blazer and tie from beside him. "You’re dressing up too," 

"No, Richie-" 

"Yes, Eddie," Richie grinned. "Please, it’ll be fun! My inbox is filled with problems that need our immediate attention and professional advice!" 

Eddie snatched his gray blazer and the ugliest Miss Piggy tie he’s ever seen from his boyfriend’s hand. "I’m already regretting this video." 

Richie faced his camera and ring lights, "As some of you may know, I tweeted out a few days ago that I’ll be your therapist for a dollar. You send in something you need advice with and a screenshot with the proof that you CashApp’ed me a dollar and we’ll gladly help."

"You requested a dollar from your viewers for your non-professional advice?" Eddie stated at him ludicrously. 

"I’m not a monster, Eds, all the proceedings I make from this video will be donated to a non-profit organization dedicated to helping LGBTQ+ teens and young adults. Do you want to pick the organization, baby?" 

"The Trevor Project," Eddie decided after a thought. 

"You always make the best decisions, Eddie,” Richie leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips. "Okay, I will try to go through all submissions, but if I don’t, I will make a second part to this video and donate that money to another nonprofit mental health organization of Eddie’s choice. Are you ready to start shaping my viewers’ lives?" 

"Ready as I’ll ever be," Eddie replied, aggressively trying to smooth out a wrinkle in Richie hideous pink tie. 

"Most submissions I’ll be looking at are from my Twitter mentions and DMs. I also told you guys to not hold back, so my expectations are high," Richie snickered as he opened up Twitter and tapped into his DMs. "Okay we'll keep out usernames for the sake of privacy, this first one says 'I keep fucking my brother's boyfriend and I think I'm starting to fall in love with him. What do I do?' This escalated quickly," 

"Please stop fucking your brother's boyfriend," Eddie pleaded into the camera. "Get your own,"

"Eds, they're here for real advice," Richie sighed. "Where does the boyfriend stand? Is he into you or into ruining your familial relationship with your brother? Once you figure that out, you confess or dump his ass,"

"For real, please stop fucking your brother's boyfriend. Start thinking of the consequences of your actions," Eddie additionally supplied. 

"Moving on to the next one, this user says 'My parents are extremely homophobic, and I hate them for it. But feeling like this makes me feel super guilty because they are giving me shelter and support with my schoolwork,"

"When I first came out," Eddie started. "My mom was furious at me. We didn't speak to each other for two years. Then one day she called me, and now she's almost too overbearing with her support. You might experience something like that, or you'll end up finding a family that supports you better than anyone else ever did."

"Don't feel guilty for the way you feel. Every single emotion you experience is valid," Richie said. "They sure don't. Also, giving you shelter is a right not a privilege. You're their kid, not a burden," 

"Well said," Eddie leaned over and squeezed Richie's hand.

"On to the next, this user sent in 'Hi, I'm 15 and I keep getting dick pics sent to me. What can I do to stop this from happening?' We can get legal advice on the phone. Siri, call Cocker Staniel,"

"Calling Cocker Staniel," Siri reported back. The phone rang for a moment before Stan answered.

"Hey, Rich," Stan's monotone rang through the room.

"Hey, Stan, you're on speaker. I have a question for your law degree,"

"Which is?" Stan voice altered to slightly intrigued. 

"Can someone press charges for being sent dick pics?"

"Of course, having unsolicited pictures sent to an individual is a form of sexual harassment," Stan replied. "Why are you asking? What are you getting yourself into?"

"Not for me, don't worry," Richie replied. "Bye, Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! There you have it. That was Stan, our local lawyer, and he said you can bring in the authorities. Press those charges, and don't be afraid to tell an adult about what you're going through. Don't keep this all to yourself,"

"This person says 'I keep jerking off in church. Help?' Who thinks of jerking off in a church? What kind of nonsense is that?" Eddie furrows his brows. 

"I hope you aren't in the pews jerking off next to your grandmother," Richie laughed. "My advice for you is jerk it before church. It worked for me,"

"The fuck, Rich?" Eddie shook his head. "I recommend for you to try and wait until after church. This next one says 'I sell nudes anonymously online and it's paying off my college loans. But lately someone I’m related to is requesting nudes. Seeing that they don’t know it’s me... I’m thinking of going through with it because the money is tempting.’ That was something..."

"As long as you said it is happening anonymously-"

"No," Eddie cut him off. "You are not encouraging this,"

"Eddie, baby, this person is an adult. Collect that coin, and hopefully you take this to the grave,"

"I can't believe you," the shorter man said with slight disbelief. 

"We're therapists, Eduardo, that means no judgement," Richie explained pointedly. "Let me read one, this user submitted 'I dropped out of college as a freshman to become a stripper and I never told my parents.

Now four years passed, and they are asking about my graduation. What do I do?' Wanna give some non-judgmental advice, Eddie Pie?"

"I think you should be honest," Eddie said after a while. "If you survived adulthood four years stripping, at least you have evidence that it is a stable career choice,"

"That's how it's done!" Richie cheered him on. "I'm so proud,"

"Shut the fuck up," Eddie took a sip of his coffee. "Read the next one,"

"This one just says, 'I’m a pregnant lesbian, and I think I wanna keep this baby.’ Okay, I don’t know why you are coming to two homos about a pregnancy. But a homo isn’t all that I am, as a MD it is important for me to stress that it is your body and it is your choice at the end of the day. Do what you believe is right,”

“I’ll read the next one,” Eddie reached out for Richie’s phone. “This person submitted ‘I think I’m in love with my best friend.’ So was I. I told him how I felt because I was the bigger and better man. I was relieved to find out he felt the same way,”

“Don’t judge me for my internalized homophobia and self-hatred, man.” Richie huffed. “I think if you tell your friend how you feel won’t be too bad even if they may not feel the same way. It’ll be better for you, because if you don’t confess, you’ll live in a constant ‘what if I said something’ mentality,”

“Next one says, ‘I keep stealing hamsters from PetSmart. I cannot stop.’ Richie, tell your viewers not to steal animals from PetSmart,”

Richie looked straight into the camera, “Please don’t steal animals from PetSmart. Steal them from a public setting like a park, which isn’t really stealing because they’re free,”

“What if someone abducted Pixie from the park?” Eddie raised a brow.

“Never mind! Please don’t take animals from any setting, but I think we have to talk about where this urge for stealing small rodents stems from. Is it an attempt to have control over your life? Is it a cry for help? Or are you just a compulsive animal thief? Those are all questions I can’t answer because I don’t have much more context. Next one! This says, ‘My dad just came out as gay so we both have that in common.’ Score for Team Pride! What I would do for a gay dad,”

“You’ll break up your parent’s marriage just for your dad to be gay?”

“Without hesitation,”

“You’re something else, Richie Tozier,” Eddie rolled his eyes.

“You love it,” Richie smirked.

“Do I? Do I really?”

“Let’s read some more before you start to make me cry,” Richie fake sniffled. “This says ‘I've been spending a lot of time with my friend, who happens to be my BFF's worst enemy. One day, she started gossiping about my BFF, and although I knew it was wrong, I started talking about her too. I realized that I actually didn't like my BFF that much and reasoned that gossiping about her is better than stressing out directly to her.’ You need to confront her. Talking shit can only take you so far,”

“Actually agreeing with Rich for once. Gossiping can be relieving but you need to level with your friend,” Eddie added. “My turn to read, ‘One night when my brother's hot friend slept over, I accidentally ran into him in the bathroom. It was a little awkward since I was in my towel getting ready to take a shower. We ended up making out in the bathroom and I didn't have a lonely shower that night.’ I regret reading this,”

“What are you children doing these days? I know this submission is from a child. I just know it,” Richie rubbed his temples. “There is nothing I can say to this. Eddie?”

“There is nothing to be said,” Eddie agreed. “Hopefully the next one doesn’t make me want to gauge my eyes out. NEXT! Okay, ‘I'm the only person who doesn't have a cell phone, and one day I found a dead cell phone lying around. I wanted to look cool in front of my crush, so I pretended to call him in front of these snotty girls. The next thing I knew, he answered at the very same moment I was yelling, "I love you!" The phone was definitely not dead, but I sure wished I was.’”

“The comedic delivery on this one!” Richie burst into laughter. “Send me your info, I’ll buy you a phone for making me laugh,”

“You better do it,” Eddie grinned. “There is no lying on this holy Christian YouTube channel,”

“I’m Jewish and you’re Catholic.” Richie countered.

“Whatever, babe,” Eddie looked to the camera. “You’re getting that phone,”

“Give me back my phone,” the taller of the two playfully snatched it away from the other. “This one reads, ‘I keep spitting in my mom’s boyfriend’s water.’ If he deserved it, then who I am to judge?”

“Fucking shit that’s so gross,” Eddie gagged. “Do you guys have any idea how disgusting that is? All those germs—”

“Eddie, babe, I doubt whoever submitted this gives a shit about all the germs they are pumping into their mom’s boyfriend,” Richie rubbed circled in Eddie’s back, attempting to calm him down. “You feeling better?”

“Yeah, yeah,”

“Let’s read a few more before my Eds starts to show signs of having a stroke. This one says, ‘I want to fuck my football coach.’ Please don’t try to seduce your coach. For me? Please? I’m starting to think this video wasn’t such a good idea as I originally planned.”

Eddie loosened the tie around his neck, “How many more should I suffer through before this video ends?”

“C’mon, Eds! We’re doing them some good! Hang on for the children,”

“The children are the ones who are killing me, Rich,”

“This is a mention with six hundred likes and two hundred retweets, ‘I secretly watched two girls make out during a sleepover party I was at.’ I think we all have been in that situation.”

“What? How?”

“Where were you when Bev and Patty drunkenly made out for twenty minutes last weekend at Bill and Mike’s place?” Richie looked over at Eddie with raised brows.

“Patty and Bev? Holy shit! I wonder how Ben didn’t suddenly combust into flames.”

“He was close to joining in, I’ll tell you that much,” Richie snickered. “It was pathetic, but not as pathetic as the argument Stan had with Bill about whether or not natural selection should’ve killed off snakes,”

“Where the fuck was I?” Eddie asked with a chuckle. “I missed out on a lot,”

“I think Mike has some of the argument recorded. I’ll ask him about it later, for now let’s continue with this video. This one says, ‘I think my college professor is dating this girl I sit next to in my econ class. They keep flirting with each other and all this hetero energy is making me gag. And fail the class.’ This I can help you with, trust your instinct. You think they’re dating? Catch them in the act and use it as blackmail for a passing grade. That way you get what you want while making them fear for their lives,”

“I don’t hate that advice,” Eddie said. “If someone was making me fail, I’d threaten to ruin their career for an A.”

“I’d help you every step of the way,” Richie kissed him, his lips lingering on Eddie’s. “This is the last one, ‘I got a tattoo on my ass on my twenty-sixth b-day of my mom’s gravestone…. She’s alive and I was sober.’ Eddie was this you? You have some sort of Freudian Slip ass tattoo about your mother’s death I don’t know about?”

“If I had an ass tattoo, you’d know from about now,” Eddie shoved him.

“It doesn’t hurt to ask, babe,”

“Fuck you,”

“No, I love you more,” Richie looked to the camera. “Ass Tattoo, I hope your mother doesn’t take too much offense when she finds out. That is all for today’s video! Thank you all to who sent in a submission. As I said before, all the proceedings will be donated to The Trevor Project. Don’t be afraid to check it out. It an anonymous suicide hotline for the LGBTQ+ youth. Serious Richie Time, I cannot tell you how many attempted suicides I have witnessed during my hospital residency. Suicide is a serious epidemic, and everyone’s life is worth it. You are all worth it. Serious Richie Time is now over, I’ll make a part two to this train wreck of a video if you guys want it, but other than that have a good night and don’t let the social anxiety bite! Say goodbye, Eddie,”

“Goodbye Eddie,”

“You’re such a little shit,” Richie tackled Eddie into the couch.

“You love it,”

“I do,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you guys are feeling suicidal or even slightly depressed please visit The Trevor Project. It's there to help you. I love you all and thanks for reading!


	5. Assembling IKEA Furniture w/ my Boyfriend (but not really)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back !! Hope yall enjoy!!!

"Hello all and welcome back to my YouTube channel," Richie waved to the camera from his place on the floor beside Eddie. "For today’s video, I’m joined by my sexy super real boyfriend Eddie! Say hi, Eddie."

"Hi, Eddie," the other man smirked.

"You can keep using the same joke, those are called cheap shots in comedy."

"Oh, you're a comedian?" he cocked at brow at Richie. "Name one joke,"

"The knock knock joke,"

"Dammit," Eddie muttered under his breath. 

"As the greatest dynamic duo we’ll be putting together, what’s considered to be, the hardest block of wood," 

"That’s what she said," Eddie quipped with a smirk. 

"Now, that's classic comedy, Eds," Richie gasped in awe. "I love you," 

"I know," 

"The power that that has. Wow, iconic," the taller man breathed out fanning himself. "I stan one man."

"Get to the video, Rich," 

"We’re assembling the one and only Divorce Maker," Richie gestured to the pile of boxes around them. "I know what you’re saying right now, 'Richie, you and Eddie aren’t married..’ but we really kind of are-" 

"No we’re not," Eddie interjected simply.

"We’ve been together for a long time, which is basically marriage, and now we’re putting all of that on the line today," Richie told the camera. "Before we start remember to press the like button and subscribe if you’re new!" 

"I can already sense this video being added to another video compilation titled 'Eddie Secretly Plotting Richie Murder for Ten minutes Straight.’" 

"We need have a viewing party for all the memes that get made out of us," Richie picked up a box cutter. "That’ll be fun," 

"I’ll to the actual assembling," Eddie told his boyfriend as he picked up his box cutter. "I don’t need you swinging any tools around," 

"You don’t want my beautiful hands to get any cuts and bruises," Richie looked over at him. "You’re so thoughtful," 

"I don’t want any damage done to my face," Eddie corrected him. "I work in an office, and the last thing I need is to be the talk of the company,"

"People already talk about your biceps and ass," Richie laughed. "Patty told me," 

"What does Patty know?" The other man huffed. 

"You work with her cousin Daniella," 

"Damn it, Daniella," Eddie hissed to himself. He pulled out the instruction manual and handed it to Richie. "It’s all pictures, there’s no way you can fuck this up," 

"Language, babe," Richie playfully scolded him. "We’re not trying to get demonetized... like last time," 

"Fuck you," Eddie rolled his eyes. "Last time was your fault," 

"Well, you didn’t stop me," Richie said defensively. 

"Well, sometimes resisting you ends results in something worse," Eddie sighed. "Which is a perfect description of our dumpster fire of a relationship in a nutshell," 

"You’re so good with words, Eds," his boyfriend praised. 

"I’ll smash your fucking glasses with that hammer," Eddie threatened. "Call me Eds again. I dare you,"

"Save the fire for our bedroom, babe, now’s not the time," Richie released the white plank of wood from its box and the small bag of screws. "Damn, this looks a lot harder than on the instructions," 

Eddie patted his partner’s head, "I’ll do all the thinking, baby, you just hand me what I need. Okay?"

"Okay," 

Eddie started off confident, adding the screws to the plank, "This isn’t too bad," 

"You just make everything look easy," Richie eyed Eddie. "Are those the right screws?" 

"Yeah, they came from the box," 

"They look different from the picture," Richie held up the instruction manual. 

"Let me see," Eddie took a closer look to the paper. "Those are the ones I’m using," 

"Eddie, I think you’re wrong," 

"If I’m wrong, it’s your fault!" Eddie pointed the screwdriver at Richie accusingly. 

"How?" 

"You’re handing me what I need!" Eddie hissed. 

"That doesn’t mean anything, Eds!" The volume of Richie’s rose to match Eddie’s. "Plus you have better working eyes than me! I'm visually impaired! You should have noticed,"

"I swear I’m going to marry you just so I can divorce you," Eddie snapped. 

"You heard that? He said he was going to marry me!" Richie cheered at the camera. "You're all invited!"

"No, they're not," 

"Yes, they are," Richie huffed. "They're my gaybies."

"Matter of fact, I should just skip all the way to the divorce stage," Eddie huffed. "It's final. I'm divorcing you over a pile of wood,"

"Let’s not go too overboard," Richie put his hands up in defeat. "Let’s just focus at the task on hand-"

"No," tossed the screwdriver to the side. "Why would I assemble something that should already be put together? If I wanted to piece together some shit, I would buy legos!" 

"Then, let’s do that," Richie said immediately. "We’ll call Ben to finish this for us later. Maybe have him and Bev do it! A couple off! Ben and Bev vs. Mike and Bill!" 

"My money would be Mike,"

"Really? Not Ben?" 

"Ben wishes he has what Mike has," Eddie scoffed. 

"Which is?" Richie crossed his arms over his chest. 

"Those broad shoulders, patience of a saint, that deep throaty laugh, and that million dollar smile," Eddie listed on his hand. "Should I go on?" 

"No, I don’t think my shriveling self-esteem can take it," Richie dramatically clutched at his chest. 

"You know I love you," Eddie pressed a soft kiss to the other man’s lips. 

"Let me go grab my legos! You push everything to the side," Richie grinned then bolted out of frame straight to their bedroom.

Without question, Eddie did what he was told and pushed all of the wood out of the camera frame. Not too long after, Richie returned with a huge bucket of legos. 

"When did you buy that?" 

"Doesn't matter," Richie answered, putting the bucket down onto the coffee table. nd I'll

"You know I'll find out one way or another-"

"Here we gooooo!!!" Richie shouted as poured the pieces. Clearing not thinking ahead, half of the legos fell to the floor.

"What the fuck, Richard?"

"Nice vine reference,"

"What reference?"

"Eddie, baby, I'm going to have to educate you on vine," Richie told him. "But for now let's build!"

Eddie begrudgingly sat beside Richie, "What are you building?" 

"I’m going to build that medieval castle from my fantasies of you as my knight in shining armor. You?"

"A beach house, I need me a vacation,"

Richie pulled out his phone, "We should do a saucy little Q and A. I'm tweeting out for your Eddie-centered questions and I'll give you my Eddiest answers,"

"Why me?" Eddie scrunched up his features.

"You're a mystery to them," the taller man answered. "And they already know everything about me,"

"I guess," Eddie sighed, curious to see where this goes.

"They're pouring in," Richie tapped through his phone. "Here's one, 'I want to lick Eddie's forearms.' Hey! I said questions not thirst tweets,"

Eddie looked confused, "Why would they say that? Don't they ever think I've the germs?"

"Thirsty people thrive on nasty," Richie reported. "Here's a question, 'Eddie, can I be your next fuckbuddy after you finally leave Rich?' What the hell? No! Tell them no, Eddie,"

"Actually, I'm interested," Eddie said as he pieced together two legos. "Dm me,"

"He's kidding, he's kidding," Richie glared at the camera. "Next tweet, 'Eddie, I know you're playing Animal Crossing. Add me, Edwardo!'"

"Edwardo? I'm not adding you just for that. You don't deserve to visit Eddie-Topia,"

"Tell 'em, babe!" Richie cheered on. "Even though Richie City is way better,"

"Fuck you, it's not,"

"Is too!"

"I put put in time for my island. You use your fans for bells and iron nuggets. Your island is built on the blood, seat, and tears of others. Funded by dirty money,"

"Just like the good US of A," Richie said, putting on a thick southern accent. Then back to his normal voice voice, "Bill gave me that idea anyway. Go fight him about him,"

"Fuck Bill and his three fans," Eddie scoffed. "I should go chop down all the trees on Silent Bill. That'll show him."

"We can all me up at Bev Valley, and plot Bill's demise," Richie snickered.

"I was thinking on Silicon Stanley, since Bill is blocked from entering," Eddie suggested.

"I'm blocked from there too!" Richie protested.

"We'll get Patty to let you in," Eddie promised.

"What about Mike? We can use his tarantulas?"

"They can stay on his fucking island," Eddie rolled his eyes.

"What happened to all that love for Mike you had earlier?" Richie mocked.

"I love Mike, but I hate Hanlon Country," Eddie pouted. "Almost as much as I hate BenLand,"

"You deserved to be blocked by Ben. You caught the oarfish on his island and gloated about it," Richie laughed. "He still doesn't have it,"

"Fuck Ben. Let's just get back to the tweets,"

"This says, 'Eddie why do you bother with Richie? He's just too much,' You guys are really bullying me today,"

"I'll have you know, Richie is the right amount of 'too much.'"

"Aw, you're defending me,"

"Only I can bully you," Eddie huffed. 

"Stamp that on my forehead, 'Only Eddie Can Bully Me,'"

"Get me a sharpie, and I'll do it myself,"

"I love you, Eds,"

"Love you too,"

"I think I'm going to end the video here," Richie directed at the camera. "Ya'll don't know how to behave and I live for it. As always, sleep tight and don't let those tarantulas bite. Say bye, Eddie."

"Bye, Eddie," 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Losers Club go absolutely feral in Animal Crossing  
..... That might be the next chapter

**Author's Note:**

> what did you guys think? I crave validation and/or constructive criticism 💓


End file.
